Collision
by Leni
Summary: Angel. His thoughts. His conscience. And of course he doesn't love her anymore...


Before the fic: Anyone please has CYNAMIN'S E-MAIL?  
  
//Enough to spit on Heaven, walk through Hell in one piece and finally be a true man.//  
  
TITLE: Collision  
  
AUTHOR: Leni  
  
DISCLAIMER: Well, there are some references to Surprise. Remember? When Buffy and Angel made love? As Joss and Co. seem to have forgotten that it once happened then yeah, I think they might be mine.  
  
TIMELINE: Take your guess. In the future.  
  
AN: This one has nothing to do with 'Beyond Bad'.  
  
DEDICATION: To Jaime. Oh girl, last week I met an Argentinean (forgive the spelling!) and mmm yum! Wish me luck... oh yes, where Sexy Cuteness doesn't work Jealousy will... it WILL! Watch me being determined... (and cross your fingers while you're at it, will you?)  
  
FEEDBACK: It's been ages since I wrote Angel... just tell me how it was... dani_vasq@hotmail.com, a_d_v_v@yahoo.com.ar  
  
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How many times have you loved her?  
  
So many...  
  
There was that time with her innocence between her hand and your true face, creating a shelter where you hid when things got too confusing...  
  
There was that time when she loved you beyond everything... beyond evil vs. good and trust vs. indifference... she loved you and you couldn't do less than love her in return.  
  
You loved her so much that your Eternal Curse was not deemed eternal anymore. Heaven beckoned promising Eternal Freedom and you...  
  
...you heeded it   
  
(lefthersleepingonyourbed).  
  
You followed heavenly promises and entered a place of Light and Peace... finally knew what Rest was and...  
  
...nothing...  
  
(nothingbutpeaceandmorepeaceandmore...)  
  
Peace.   
  
The kind of peace only a weathered warrior can appreciate and love.   
  
(Thekindyoufeltasyoufellasleepwithherinyourarms)  
  
But then, we all know how long Eternal Freedom lasted before hell opened its jaws to eat you whole, don't we?  
  
It seems that in your path 'eternal' is not what it used to be.   
  
Not even eternal unlife is what it used to be.  
  
(human.sunlight.human.food.sunlighthumanhumanhuman...)  
  
And you don't love her anymore.  
  
First you believed it was because she confessed to prefer to have stayed dead. How could she not want to be alive? How could she have changed so much?  
  
But you don't really blame her for missing Death so much, not always, just when you are remembering how much you used to love her. And you loved her so much. Enough to spit on Heaven, walk through Hell in one piece and finally be a true man...   
  
(enoughtobringtheworlddowntoitsknees)   
  
...loving her used to be enough to complete your soul.   
  
But now you are human and not sure why. Heaven spit you back to Earth for a second chance, a second life... only that you don't know how to live it.   
  
How can an Angel live with broken wings?  
  
How can an Angel live with a broken soul?  
  
And you don't love her anymore.  
  
If her Heaven was even a tenth of what your soul remembers (peace,nofight,nohurt) then you can't possibly blame her for needing to go back. You had many decades -or maybe only three months, you don't really remember (itallhurt.betterdon'tremember.blockitout.blockitout.Block.It.Out!) - in some hellish dimension to get over it, she only got embittered friends and a demon lover to help her...  
  
and better believe you got the better deal, what are some years of torture and pain compared to your best friends turning slowly against you?  
  
And you know all about both options, don't you?   
  
(Theydidn'ttrustyou.Theywouldn'ttrustyou.TheyCOULDN'Ttrustyou!)  
  
But now that you are human they are your true friends again (ain'tthey?) You have a new apartment, a new job, a bank account and even an ID card...  
  
You have your own, shiny new, non-eternal life...  
  
Exactly what you so wanted to offer her before. (You'dhavediedforit)  
  
Exactly what you had for twenty-four lost hours. (YoudiddieforHER.)  
  
...and you don't love her anymore.  
  
Kind of ironic. A twisted, sick irony; granted... but when hasn't Irony mastered your destiny?   
  
She was there as you fell for a trick called 'I'll show you the world' and instead you got eternity (lonely.alwayssolonely...) and a sick world which still refuses to change its basics...   
  
Irony named you through an innocent's innocence... (Angel,shesaid...andthenshewasdead)  
  
You got punished just to know love as you could have never known it in ol' Ireland... and ironic was to lose it just when you grasped that maybe you deserved it.   
  
You carried a memory of a swallowed day where you loved her more than anything (iwillneverforget.iwillneverforget.i.will...) and Irony is laughing now when you don't know how to regain it.  
  
(...never.forget.)  
  
Ah yes, never forget how ironic it is to be thinking this all as you are knocking on her door...  
  
'please let me in!' just a whisper which won't pass your lips.  
  
Because you don't love her... but you remember you used to.  
  
(Youlovedhersomuch...)  
  
And you don't love her now...  
  
(Youlovedhersomuch...)  
  
but tomorrow is another day.  
  
(Youlovedhersomuch...)  
  
And you need to love her again.  
  
(Howmanytimeshaveyoulovedher? Maybeassheislettingyouin?)  
  
(Maybe.)  
  
The End.  
  
04/06/03  
  
Oh my, I haven't written Angel in so long... well, there was 'Flashes' but that was more based on Buffy (even though her part was shorter) This one is more like 'Bittersweet Chocolate', sans the insanity, of course... *g*. Well, I just hope you enjoyed.   
  
K&S 


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